Inner stuff

As i spend more time alone, it may be natural that i travel more inner distances. On the theory that we have many inner horizons in common, even if the details from each of us to our horizons are uniquely our own, i’ll post these. The inner stuff? It won’t have any photos.
(Enroute to and from my surprise xmas visit in Seattle) Reality vs. unreality: Have i created an unreality? Something unlike what other people are living, and unlike what i have lived…so does being unreal risk irrelevance? Even if i can unmask a reality, will it be too esoteric to contribute any useful insight? Having physically shed the old sense of what was real, am i after a new sense of what is real…on more than a physical level? How hard to let go! Or is it holding on that is hard? To pain?! Or if running from it, still it dictates my action. But what i may be after is to integrate pain, somehow resolve it. Not escape, not surrender, but integrate. Be okay with it? Be happy with it? I would swear that’s not possible. It feels like it could border on insanity…or science fiction…or some sort of breakthru. How will it fit in the world? What stops me from it? It must be me that stops me. An unreal path i have put myself on. Ironic, that the next step on this path starts from a place named La Paz. The Peace.
(End of Feb) 3 years and 2 months later…nightmare: in it we are sleeping in our bed, in our house, i am laying on my back, waking to huge emotional pain, she is leaving me? Rolling to my left side, expecting to feel her behind me, moving to spoon with and comfort me, to hear her voice. In real time i am rolling onto my left side, hearing my voice say her name, and realizing we are not in our bed, not in our house, it was a dream, i am on the boat, and she is not here. “Oh, fuck.”
“They” say time heals all. I am not convinced. I am scared. Scared that i will learn to not love living (the fear becomes a sign that i do love it). Scared that getting up in the morning will grow harder and harder. Scared because there is no one to tell…thus telling everyone feels like fighting back. What will happen if i don’t fight the fear? What, if anything, is at the bottom of this well? Maybe there is no such thing as alone. Maybe there's nothing to heal. Maybe grief and praise really are synonyms.
Is it the sharing that makes life worth our effort? I shake my head to be asking this from a profoundly alone place. I suspect that relationship is a key, not only for us, but for existence itself. That the spiritual is empty without the physical, and the physical worthless without the spiritual, each to evaporate without the other. Tho we are each on our own path, our luck is to share each other’s travels, and the sharing is good even if the travels are not. Do we know how important our company is to each other? Exploring being alone, perhaps wakings like this one are inevitable. Despite them, i carry on pretty well, i interact and contribute. One of the cruisers in Puerto Escondido came across the blog entry where i compare living on the boat in a storm to living in a house on wheels during an earthquake… His compliment heartens me.
(later) Waves - spontaneous, unique, transient. For those of us who have contemplated waves a LOT, we realize that the water is only the manifestation of the wave. The wave itself is actually invisible, pure energy, that the water exposes, that the water provides a vehicle for. Whoever/whatever we each are, our bodies (made mostly of water too), our lives, our selves appear to be much the same as the waves, conveying energy. Add the sparkle and shimmer of sun or moonlight dancing off the wavelets and there's more metaphor to be found. (I love it when my “pen” starts down a page, i don’t know where it’s gonna go, and it surprises me.)
(A few days later) I recently wished a very dear friend no doubts. It got me thinking about doubts. The more i think about them, the less i think they serve us. Not that we should be pompous or cockey. One can be doubt-less and still be humble, and humility can leave room for pride. I find i wish myself the same thing i wished my friend: no doubts. I am where i belong, i tell myself, and doubting subtracts from belonging. I take this path past much to attend and learn from. Each step is worth taking, consciously, and defines the path-ness. No doubt.