Once in the air i started journaling on my laptop, looked thru the in flight magazine (used to play soccer with its editor), admired the Baja peninsula from the air, and became even more excited about the surprise i was about to give my dearest friends. About a month ago Susanne and Juli e-vited everyone to their annual holiday party and i was still on their list. It gave me a target to aim for: if everything went smoothly, i would arrive at the party at about 9 or 9:30.
I collected my bag after we landed and pulled out the layers i had brought for the cold weather. Somehow i had miscommunicated with Dave about picking me up and lending me his car. He and Angela only live a few minutes from the airport. I thought that they, Tyler, the McGraths were the only ones that knew i was coming for the holydaze. Amy and i had chatted on the internet the day before, and without being dishonest i hoped i had hidden this surprise from her. So i called Dave but could only leave a message and then caught a cab. During that ride i had time to worry that this surprise was not off to an auspicious start. What if Jack and Cinny, whom i hoped to stay with, were out of town? Everyone has their own busy lives, where else would my surprise not fit, etcetera. I acknowledged those tho'ts and let 'em go and trusted this would be a wonderful visit.
The cab pulled up in front of the decorated house, xmas lights shining bright from the eves. The driver turned on the car's overhead light to make change for me, I worried someone might look out and his light might let them recognize me. But it didn't happen. The place was packed and emanated happy energy as it does every year. The front door was cracked open to let heat out and air in. Thru a light mist, I carried my bags around to the side door to come in the kitchen. Passing alone thru the quiet and dark outside contrasted starkly with all the light and conversation and laughter inside. I stashed my bags outside, let myself in the door and felt like a "fly on the wall." I looked into the kitchen from its "mud room" and held still. They were here. These people with whom i have history, people with whom i share something beyond the ability of words to speak, something about weathering the winds of life, about mourning and celebrating, sharing confusion and seeking wisdom, about discovering that being in it together as much as we can be is true, is worth our effort and matters. All this was only the tip of something much bigger rushing thru me in a single breath and right past tears that would wait, my heart felt about to burst.
I watched for maybe a minute and wanted this "movie" to go into slow motion. I started to take off my jacket. Susanne was across the kitchen hostessing. She looked so happy, her house full of friends and voices and delicious smells. She looked up. Our eyes met. Now i wanted the "movie" to stop completely. I hoped to remember this moment for the rest of my life. There was surprise in her face, but more there was love and joy, unconditional, beyond time and space. Did the universe feel its ripple? Did she feel it reflecting back to her? It felt powerful! Next thing i knew, our arms were strong around each other, my eyes shut tight against any more input. I could not feel this hug enuf, and i was deeply grateful it lasted a long, long time as other dear friends came into the kitchen. I didn't want to let go, but then there was the next dear one to hold tight, to feel really in my arms... I had come from being alone in an experience that shimmers with unreality. What a huge contrast. THIS felt real. And if i pay clear enuf attention to it, could it even feel transcendent?
Maybe i got a small idea of how a soldier coming home from battle feels. I don't want the last few months, and lately my internal explorations, to feel like a battle, but they have been intense. I needed this moment more than i knew. It was priceless. But that is not the right word for it. The Lakota vow of appreciation - sounds like "aho-motak-we-assen" - means "all my ancestors," referring not only to one's parents and grandparents but to all the stars and every moment in time, each born to live and die, that have led to this moment. THIS one, that passes too, locked safely into its history and leading to its offspring. Here was a moment born from attention "paid" to living and to dying and to each other. In mortal terms it "cost" way too much, in immortal terms it was worth it.
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