So here is a question that’s percolating in me…how do i
keep myself from seeing each island as “just” another island? The next day as “just” another
day? The next person as “just”
another person? Maybe i will
finally learn to see the details around me. To see their individuality not as lost “in the big picture”
but as intact and important in their own context. If anyone should be able to focus on the journey more than the destination...a sailor should.
While i do see the uniqueness of each of us, i also
see how small we are. So there is
a core in me that feels how unimportant i am, how little i matter, that i don’t
count…and a child that wants to be important, to matter and to count. I’m sounding jaded in the questions
above. And tired. I look at this trip and wonder if i’ve
arranged it to get tired of my “self.”
What new way can i think and feel “my” life. Have i set myself up to get sick of “sailor” jon. And if i am no longer him, who am
i? This question reaches deep in
me, it both excites and saddens me.
And feels real.
The other question:
how am i gonna learn to relax on this trip? This popped up yesterday at lunch. I dropped my head back, took a deep breath, heard the wind in the palm trees, felt its warmth. Ahhh. Between keeping up with the equipment, the weather and the
calendar… I don't want to look back on the trip to ask if i had fun. I'm doing what i want to do. There's nowhere else i want to be than right here right now. And how rare and lucky is that? Sure, we're always in motion at some level, we've always got something to do, and to be real it can't be exclusive, it has to include some hard parts. But we've accomplished some early and
challenging legs pretty handily. So why not trust that this is all gonna work out well, jon? Pay attention, but "don't worry, be happy..."
2 comments:
Try starting each day with the knowledge that this day will never come again. Also, it's very possible that you will never pass this way again. What can you burn into your memory about this island and this configuration of people and this beautiful lunch so that the memories live with you forever? You are creating the stories of your life today.
Jon, I loved "catching up". It has been awhile since you were able to post and a relished each story. Told beautifully, by the way. It truly amazes me all the knowledge you have acquired and what it takes to venture so far away. You always rise to whatever height it requires. As to your questions most recently. Forget about it! Forget about self and then everything and everyone will be the focus. You are then absorbing the experience, you become it rather than placing yourself into the picture of what you think the reality is. You do this all the time when sailing. Your focus is on the sail, the rigging, the motion.... you drop self and are the whole experience. Notice the small things, as many as you can and an island isn't just the next island, it is a island unlike any you have seen or will see again. You said it yourself. Breath. AHHH. You are reborn and see differently. Feel the breeze on the back of your neck. AHHH. It is possible to stay grounded on a boat, you prove that everyday. Rare and lucky, you bet. As my life gets "smaller", I realize that it is just change. Not smaller, just different, as each day is for all of us. Be aware and safe, but find I find comfort in knowing you are out there living, soaking up life, now let it be and perhaps it, (whatever you want it to be), will come more easily? Yes, I'm still a shitty writer!
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